a year of reflection

I've been out on the west coast for a little over a year now. Things have changed.
I've let go of someone I truly loved and the person whom I gave too much love to and in the midst of all this, I've reflected on my mistakes, sometimes at length, and have been able to leave things behind and final. Something I had a hard time doing all my life in some respects. I've found that forgiveness is possible and trust can sometimes be re-gained. If you just let go and love sometimes it improves your spirit.
I miss the little guy I used to be able to be completely myself with. I wish I could connect with him now. I learned so much from him. He is truly the angel in my life and to honor him, a favorite picture above.

I love life

Venturing out......

Tired and unable to focus on much at home, I decided to head out tonight and do something that I miss from being in LA. I never got sick of going to cafes at night, having a tasty beverage and surfing the net. So, I ventured to one of the local joints open till 2 am and ordered a coke float. Once again, life is good. It's a friday night and I'm not in my apartment watching dvds I rented from the library or my lackluster DVR. So, I'm out....and I brought Tan who is chillin' next to a couple seemingly on their first date. So far, the guy seems more interested in Tana than he is in his date....nice :)
Today was busy. I got a lot accomplished and got some more exercise. These days I have to be careful not to do everything in one day. It seems to be that I have boundless energy to do menial tasks. I wish I wanted to meditate or practice yoga during the day, but instead I chose to clean, do laundry, go food shopping and as of late, call dr.'s that may take me on...no such luck so far.
Today I enjoyed the park for a while. The picture above was my view from laying on my towel. A pleasant site. If it wasn't so crowded and I wasn't worried about the perverts at the park, I would have meditated. But, they were in full force today. It was nice nonetheless.
So, with a happy heart and a tired body I say goodnight.

A day in the life

Today I taught yoga for the very first time to a group of students at a local community center right near where I rest my sometimes weary head. It's about a 4 mile round trip walk, so it's getting me actually thinking about moving my lazy ass. As of right now, my legs are killing me....but it was so worth it.
When I woke up this morning I was in severe pain. I hurt my knee a few weeks back and it started bothering me today. In actuality, I think it was a sign that I was reluctant to move forward in my life. For the past year I have been virtually unemployed and this was a "job". I thought of every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn't go. But, in the end, I convinced myself that it was a step in a new direction, a lucky chance at being paid to do something that is good for mind, body and spirit. I went and I conquered!
Things here are settling down. I am finally starting to feel alive again. I feel like being outside, but I don't mind cozying in front of the tv or reading a book either. Last week, I lost my psychiatrist and had to stop taking my adderall cold turkey. It was hell for about 5 days, but I actually feel better. I have a new prescription, but in truth, I think I was taking it for all the wrong reasons. I'm really hoping I continue this attitude.
I'm starting to build a real life on the west coast. I've even started making some friends. All is good today. May I sit and enjoy the bliss....

Starting the 33rd year of this journey....reflections...

Hello,

It's been quite a while since I have blogged. Things have been really gruesome to tell the truth so I apologize in advance for the delay in correspondence...for those who have been anxiously awaiting a new post...:)
Well, it's roughly 4 am in Portland, OR. I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed at around 3:41. Last night was the first night nightmare free after a long bout of tumultuous awakenings. Thank you Dr. Weisberg..I think.
So, today I turn 33. To be honest, I could really care less about the #. People keep say, "oh we're getting so old", I don't feel that. Lately I feel like I have been experiencing a loneliness I have yet to understand, but I really still feel like a child in so many ways. When I am overwhelmed by being stuck in my own head, I use the wonderful tool of wonder to escape into a world full of colors and clouds and enchantment. In fact, it reminds me that I need to remember how effective that tool is for my psyche. Aristotle is quoted for saying something regarding philosophy is induced by wonder and it is has become man's attempt to explain the unexplainable. In short, I'm trying to breathe these days and fighting like hell to stay in the present moment.
I hope this year is a year where I can love more freely. Not in a romantic sense, but in a humanistic sense. I have stuck myself into such a conch shell that I find myself thinking negatively about the world. It's not helping....hello!!!
I also want to reap the rewards for moving my butt out here to the West Coast to a place that I truly enjoy and that always has new surprises and discoveries waiting just around the corner. I want to utilize one of my creative talents this year, and focus on that one, to express myself fully and honestly, not giving way to stopping out of the fear of offending someone or receiving harsh criticism.
And, I really want to make some friends. I have never been so lonely in my life. Tana and I need to expand our social circle and I need to learn to not limit myself by using Tana as an excuse not to get out and do the things that I enjoy.
If you're reading this, thank you. I miss all of you and wish you all the best. I miss you all more than you could imagine.

Wishing love and inner peace,

jlo

"Girls you've got to know, when it's time to turn the page..." Tori Amos

There are times in our lives when we get "stuck" in a relationship that is ultimately destructive to the psyche. There are many ways to speculate why. We are seeking connection, compassion; comfort to ease some sort of discomfort in our lives.
The problem with this is that when we are in a vulnerable emotional state of being, we tend to attract those who are just as unhappy in their own lives and have their own issues. So, as women, we either lose ourselves in an effort to "fix" someone else, because we are convinced they WILL change, or we rely on intimate relationships to "save" us from ourselves.
Well, I say fuck all that. We have to fight the fight. We have to depend on ourselves and know that we innately have the power to heal ourselves as much as it feels like sheer hell. It hurts, it's lonely and no doubt a lot of time we feel like throwing in the towel. But we have to learn how to walk ourselves through the hell and the confusion of life. If it's one thing I continuously seem to realize, and unfortunately I still keep trying to escape the reality, is that, in the end, we have to fight and no one else is ever going to be able to do that for us.
So, don't cling to something that isn't really worth it. Don't allow someone to make you feel badly about yourself for ANY reason. We do that enough to ourselves. Be strong and self-sufficient and in doing so, not only will you totally feel like you just rule, but you will let others know that you are not going to give all you have left in your reserves to someone who has nothing to offer you. Someone I recently met said something to me that made sense. He said, "if you are going to give yourself to someone else, don't give everything to a loser, make sure he's worth it".
So to all you leaches out there, I'm done. I take full responsibility in letting you take everything I had in terms of hope, but in the end, I don't need you or want you, any of you, anymore. I'm ready to "turn the page", thus eliminating giving you all of me. I have a lot to give to someone, but I'm on my quest to realize that I deserve respect and truth; and to all of the men I have tried to lose myself in, fix or cling onto for dear life because I was so scared to face myself-not one of you have been worth all of my investment. I'm learning my lesson from you, and for that I am grateful. I wish you the best in your pursuit to be real men and step up to the plate and treat us women like a treasure, because that's what we deserve.

I hate to say it, but fuck off, and to all the ladies out there who are feeling what I'm saying, stay strong and kick ass.

jlo

Initial Boredom when faced with only oneself.

Hola,

I've been in Portland for 3 weeks now. I get up every morning and take Tana out for a walk, and I've been getting up at like 6 a.m. For some reason, of late, I feel the immediate need to connect with someone upon waking. Sorry Mom...
So, it's walk, breakfast with Pandora (which, mind you, I continuously have to keep changing stations because I have programmed the all-too real artists), check email and then I'm lost. Do I shower? Where could I go? Should I go somewhere for Tana? It's raining...I need a job, what else can I get interested in.
After I spend my time furiously trying to make plans to busy myself, I'm lost. Depending on the day, I either rally and do anything, or I become sullen, overwhelmed and lately angry. Today was one of those days. I got up super early, did the right things to make myself fell good (chocolate chip pancakes are a frigin' Godsend by the way), planned a trip to an Arboretum for Tana and pictures, then realized it was pouring. I had PMS and was achy, so I threw in the towel and went back to bed. Even though my legs were aching so badly, it was warm and comfy in bed and, after all, I thought to myself, it IS sunday.
For some reason, that made things worse. Gloom entered the darkness of the room and took me with it. I sat there a while and bathed in it. Part of that felt good too, but I knew it wasn't going to a good place.
SOOOOOO...I got up, went to a weirdass music store and sold all of my DVD's they would buy and got recommendations for music from a nice Brittish girl-told her I wanted AWAY from love and introspection-and I took a listen to her recommendations in the store (she even opened the new cd's for me so I could listen..!!) and settled on 3 CD's that I am hoping will get my mind off of the subject of my disconnect to the remainder of the world and, with a little luck, maybe the music will do something to either release me from the confines of my anger at mainly the opposite sex. I even got a free soda at the store....score!
I then hailed off to sell all of the ridiculous self-help, inspirational, therapy books that I owned in addition to others that just weren't good for me to be reading right now, in particular one about a guys induction into the world of heroin...
Powell's bookstore is "the place to be" in Portland. It has 3 locations and is independently owned and operated and sells and buys new and used books. I couldn't get rid of all the self-helps....a sign? But- I did manage to get a store credit that enabled me to purchase 4 new books that I think I will able to sit through-all of completely different flavors-Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, one on the relationships between writer Virginia Woolf and her servants, my first Stephen King ever-The Stand and, in an effort to TRY just one more shot at self help, I bought "the Happiness Project". We shall see.
Had a slice of artichoke and mushroom pizza (and you thought I was done?) and headed to Videorama to find something of interest since I don't have cable, my netflix account has been put "on hold", and hulu won't work because my wireless connection is too flooded. Rented Seven, Deadwood, Firefly, and Guns on the Clakamas.

The question is, as I close this post, is will I be able to engage myself in any of my efforts today toward providing healthy distraction from the quiet of being alone? I'll let you know tomorrow...oh, and by the way, I'm not answering my phone...and you're not calling..