Sunday, January 17, 2010

Initial Boredom when faced with only oneself.

Hola,

I've been in Portland for 3 weeks now. I get up every morning and take Tana out for a walk, and I've been getting up at like 6 a.m. For some reason, of late, I feel the immediate need to connect with someone upon waking. Sorry Mom...
So, it's walk, breakfast with Pandora (which, mind you, I continuously have to keep changing stations because I have programmed the all-too real artists), check email and then I'm lost. Do I shower? Where could I go? Should I go somewhere for Tana? It's raining...I need a job, what else can I get interested in.
After I spend my time furiously trying to make plans to busy myself, I'm lost. Depending on the day, I either rally and do anything, or I become sullen, overwhelmed and lately angry. Today was one of those days. I got up super early, did the right things to make myself fell good (chocolate chip pancakes are a frigin' Godsend by the way), planned a trip to an Arboretum for Tana and pictures, then realized it was pouring. I had PMS and was achy, so I threw in the towel and went back to bed. Even though my legs were aching so badly, it was warm and comfy in bed and, after all, I thought to myself, it IS sunday.
For some reason, that made things worse. Gloom entered the darkness of the room and took me with it. I sat there a while and bathed in it. Part of that felt good too, but I knew it wasn't going to a good place.
SOOOOOO...I got up, went to a weirdass music store and sold all of my DVD's they would buy and got recommendations for music from a nice Brittish girl-told her I wanted AWAY from love and introspection-and I took a listen to her recommendations in the store (she even opened the new cd's for me so I could listen..!!) and settled on 3 CD's that I am hoping will get my mind off of the subject of my disconnect to the remainder of the world and, with a little luck, maybe the music will do something to either release me from the confines of my anger at mainly the opposite sex. I even got a free soda at the store....score!
I then hailed off to sell all of the ridiculous self-help, inspirational, therapy books that I owned in addition to others that just weren't good for me to be reading right now, in particular one about a guys induction into the world of heroin...
Powell's bookstore is "the place to be" in Portland. It has 3 locations and is independently owned and operated and sells and buys new and used books. I couldn't get rid of all the self-helps....a sign? But- I did manage to get a store credit that enabled me to purchase 4 new books that I think I will able to sit through-all of completely different flavors-Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, one on the relationships between writer Virginia Woolf and her servants, my first Stephen King ever-The Stand and, in an effort to TRY just one more shot at self help, I bought "the Happiness Project". We shall see.
Had a slice of artichoke and mushroom pizza (and you thought I was done?) and headed to Videorama to find something of interest since I don't have cable, my netflix account has been put "on hold", and hulu won't work because my wireless connection is too flooded. Rented Seven, Deadwood, Firefly, and Guns on the Clakamas.

The question is, as I close this post, is will I be able to engage myself in any of my efforts today toward providing healthy distraction from the quiet of being alone? I'll let you know tomorrow...oh, and by the way, I'm not answering my phone...and you're not calling..

3 comments:

Unknown said...

Jen, You have the strength and power to succeed...trust in God and he will show you the way. No one is ever truly alone!

Love,

Mom

Kristin Sciacca said...

i LOVE it when you reach down and put yourself out there in any medium... if you're calling, i'm listening. xo

Cynthia said...

Hi Jenn. Like the blog! I feel your pain. Even though I have a guy, I am going through some of the same. Lots of time with just myself, and needing to fill it. We need to connect.:)