"Girls you've got to know, when it's time to turn the page..." Tori Amos

There are times in our lives when we get "stuck" in a relationship that is ultimately destructive to the psyche. There are many ways to speculate why. We are seeking connection, compassion; comfort to ease some sort of discomfort in our lives.
The problem with this is that when we are in a vulnerable emotional state of being, we tend to attract those who are just as unhappy in their own lives and have their own issues. So, as women, we either lose ourselves in an effort to "fix" someone else, because we are convinced they WILL change, or we rely on intimate relationships to "save" us from ourselves.
Well, I say fuck all that. We have to fight the fight. We have to depend on ourselves and know that we innately have the power to heal ourselves as much as it feels like sheer hell. It hurts, it's lonely and no doubt a lot of time we feel like throwing in the towel. But we have to learn how to walk ourselves through the hell and the confusion of life. If it's one thing I continuously seem to realize, and unfortunately I still keep trying to escape the reality, is that, in the end, we have to fight and no one else is ever going to be able to do that for us.
So, don't cling to something that isn't really worth it. Don't allow someone to make you feel badly about yourself for ANY reason. We do that enough to ourselves. Be strong and self-sufficient and in doing so, not only will you totally feel like you just rule, but you will let others know that you are not going to give all you have left in your reserves to someone who has nothing to offer you. Someone I recently met said something to me that made sense. He said, "if you are going to give yourself to someone else, don't give everything to a loser, make sure he's worth it".
So to all you leaches out there, I'm done. I take full responsibility in letting you take everything I had in terms of hope, but in the end, I don't need you or want you, any of you, anymore. I'm ready to "turn the page", thus eliminating giving you all of me. I have a lot to give to someone, but I'm on my quest to realize that I deserve respect and truth; and to all of the men I have tried to lose myself in, fix or cling onto for dear life because I was so scared to face myself-not one of you have been worth all of my investment. I'm learning my lesson from you, and for that I am grateful. I wish you the best in your pursuit to be real men and step up to the plate and treat us women like a treasure, because that's what we deserve.

I hate to say it, but fuck off, and to all the ladies out there who are feeling what I'm saying, stay strong and kick ass.

jlo

Initial Boredom when faced with only oneself.

Hola,

I've been in Portland for 3 weeks now. I get up every morning and take Tana out for a walk, and I've been getting up at like 6 a.m. For some reason, of late, I feel the immediate need to connect with someone upon waking. Sorry Mom...
So, it's walk, breakfast with Pandora (which, mind you, I continuously have to keep changing stations because I have programmed the all-too real artists), check email and then I'm lost. Do I shower? Where could I go? Should I go somewhere for Tana? It's raining...I need a job, what else can I get interested in.
After I spend my time furiously trying to make plans to busy myself, I'm lost. Depending on the day, I either rally and do anything, or I become sullen, overwhelmed and lately angry. Today was one of those days. I got up super early, did the right things to make myself fell good (chocolate chip pancakes are a frigin' Godsend by the way), planned a trip to an Arboretum for Tana and pictures, then realized it was pouring. I had PMS and was achy, so I threw in the towel and went back to bed. Even though my legs were aching so badly, it was warm and comfy in bed and, after all, I thought to myself, it IS sunday.
For some reason, that made things worse. Gloom entered the darkness of the room and took me with it. I sat there a while and bathed in it. Part of that felt good too, but I knew it wasn't going to a good place.
SOOOOOO...I got up, went to a weirdass music store and sold all of my DVD's they would buy and got recommendations for music from a nice Brittish girl-told her I wanted AWAY from love and introspection-and I took a listen to her recommendations in the store (she even opened the new cd's for me so I could listen..!!) and settled on 3 CD's that I am hoping will get my mind off of the subject of my disconnect to the remainder of the world and, with a little luck, maybe the music will do something to either release me from the confines of my anger at mainly the opposite sex. I even got a free soda at the store....score!
I then hailed off to sell all of the ridiculous self-help, inspirational, therapy books that I owned in addition to others that just weren't good for me to be reading right now, in particular one about a guys induction into the world of heroin...
Powell's bookstore is "the place to be" in Portland. It has 3 locations and is independently owned and operated and sells and buys new and used books. I couldn't get rid of all the self-helps....a sign? But- I did manage to get a store credit that enabled me to purchase 4 new books that I think I will able to sit through-all of completely different flavors-Elizabeth Gilbert's new book, one on the relationships between writer Virginia Woolf and her servants, my first Stephen King ever-The Stand and, in an effort to TRY just one more shot at self help, I bought "the Happiness Project". We shall see.
Had a slice of artichoke and mushroom pizza (and you thought I was done?) and headed to Videorama to find something of interest since I don't have cable, my netflix account has been put "on hold", and hulu won't work because my wireless connection is too flooded. Rented Seven, Deadwood, Firefly, and Guns on the Clakamas.

The question is, as I close this post, is will I be able to engage myself in any of my efforts today toward providing healthy distraction from the quiet of being alone? I'll let you know tomorrow...oh, and by the way, I'm not answering my phone...and you're not calling..